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Why I've been reluctant to ask for help

06 Jan

I wrote a blog that's really a follow-up to the one I posted here yesterday.

My single resolution for 2010 – Lindquist

NJLindquistIt’s pretty simple. My resolution for this year is that I’m going to ask for help this year. At least once a week, if possible. From people who aren’t married to me and didn’t come into this world because of me, and therefore don’t owe me anything.

I’ve never really liked asking for help. Don’t actually like asking people for anything, if it comes to that.

I grew up as an only child who spent an inordinate amount of time around older people, as well as an adopted child who very likely had some trust issues. So I became self-sufficient at a pretty early age. If I wanted to know something, I tried to find the answer by myself, usually through books.

I still tend to be that way. Of course, now that we have the internet, it’s even easier to find things out. For example, chances are 100% that if I go to my doctor to get his opinion on something, I’ve already got a list of all the possibilities from my own research.

But there are some things you can’t find in books. And some kinds of help where you need another person.

I also firmly believe that we were created to be in community, which implies needing each other, and that implies helping one another, which involves asking for help…

Earlier this week, I blogged about the fact that most people actually want to help others, but that we’re often too embarrassed to confess our need. But that’s not why I don’t like to ask for help. I don't at all mind acknowledging that I have needs. The reason I don’t like to ask is because I’ve had people say no. Well, a bit more than no….

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Most people actually like to be needed

04 Jan

Just before Christmas, while planning my next mystery, Opaque Rays, help balloonI realized I needed more information than I could get from books or the internet. I needed to talk to a real, live person with some experience in either handing out or being on the receiving end of certain medications.

So I sent a note to one of the listservs I'm on. 

By the end of the evening, nine people had contacted me, each one offering information and more assistance as needed. The next day, three more people contacted me.

The readiness to help reminded me of something Barbara Sher frequently says: people like to share what they know.

In Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want, Barbara says, "Sharing skills and resources is a deep human pleasure and need, one that's wired into our survival just as much as hunger and sex."

Thinking about that got me thinking about the many passages in the New Testament when Jesus told us to ask God for what we need. Passages like John 14:14 "If you ask me for anything in my name, I will do it.." Or John 15:16 "You did not choose me; I chose you. And I gave you this work: to go and produce fruit, fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you anything you ask for in my name."

Now, I know as well as you do that Jesus wasn't telling us God would give us anything we wanted if we just ask for it. There are conditions, such as being in His will.

But I do think that sometimes we don't have what we need simply because we don't ask for help – from our family, our friends, our co-workers or employers, and, of course, from God.

helping handSometimes we don't ask because of fear of getting a gruff "No," but more often, I think it's embarrassment that keeps us from asking. We live in an age when self-sufficiency is lauded. We see the movie hero who wins against thousands, and think we should be like that. But it's simply not real life. Sure, it's good to do your best and all that, but the truth is, in addition to our own efforts, we need all the help from other people and God that we can get. There's no such thing as the self-made man or woman.

I'm thinking of making this the year I ask for help at least once a week. Okay, maybe mostly I'll askf or help on small things. But if i get good at asking for help, when I need help with a bigger thing, I'll be in practice, and I'll know lots of people willing to give me a hand.

Just think of the pleasure I'll be giving everyone who gets to help me! Not only will they get the chance to show what they can do, but they'll know they had a hand in whatever I manage to accomplish.

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Time for a change

27 Apr

Les Lindquist May 09Today is my husband's last day with IBM. He just left to turn in his laptop. I'm sure it must be a strange feeling.

In actual fact, he hasn't worked in an office for over 15 years. He simply walked to a room in our house, turned on his computer, picked up his phone, and dialed in to "work." I remember during the winter Olympics a few years back, one of our sons looked in at 6 in the morning to see his dad wearing a housecoat, sipping coffee, and talking on the phone while watching Olympic coverage on the TV with the sound turned off. Our son's comment was, "I think I want your job."

What Les has been doing during those years was working on world wide teams. Usually, he was the only Canadian on a team of people from the United States, France, Switzerland, Brazil, Japan, Australia, and other countries. They rarely met face-to-face, but talked on the phone and of course via the computer. Many meetings were early in the morning because they had to work with time schedules in Japan and Europe as well as North America. So someone in Japan might be on the phone late at night while for you it's early in the morning and for someone else it's noon. Kind of crazy, but it seemed to work.

And because there was always a new project, and the overall focus was on working to make things better, he enjoyed his job. He was, in fact, a change management consultant, and now he's thinking how to use those skills in other areas. Les Lindquist 1980

He'd have been with IBM for 35 years at the end of July. A long time. Pretty well all his adult life. He left university and went to work for IBM three months later. His original goal was to work for a few years in order to get some business experience and then go into full time ministry of some sort. But life happened and kids arrived and other opportunities arose, and we realized we could do a lot with him at IBM. (That didn't stop our family from asking him every year or so if he thought he had his business experience yet. I guess he has it now. Hope so, anyway.)

He's wondering how long it will be before he wakes up and doesn't immediately wonder what he needs to do for IBM today. I'm wondering how long it will take us to adjust to the next phase of our lives.

The first few years of our marriage were just him and me, and it was great. Relaxed. Then came a dog, four sons, moves from Regina to Mississauga to Calgary and finally to Markham, churchplanting, homeschooling, leadership, and then the world of writing, speaking, and publishing.

There always seemed to be a flow from one thing to the next, and the next step seemed logical and necessary. For the first time in a long, long time we have the opportunity to sit down and decide exactly what we want to do. Our sons are adults, and while we like being near them, we don't HAVE to beDaniel and Les Lindquist with their provincial Masters Swimming medals . We're doing things with The Word Guild and publishing, but again, we don't HAVE to do them. So it's time to stop and think about how we spend our time, where we live, what we still want to accomplish, and so forth without feeling obligated to anyone.  A nice feeling. 

I wonder how long it will last before we jump into a new project? Not long, I expect. We both love new challenges and we don't have to look very far to find some. Still, it's nice to have that brief moment, even a week or so, to take some time to think and dream and pray before jumping into pool again.

Which reminds me – Les will be swimming in the Canadian Masters' Championships in Etobicoke this May, along with our third son, Daniel. They both won a number of medals in the Ontario Master's Swimming Championships last year in Sudbury and this year in Ottawa, and they're motivated to keep going.

And Les has started a blog called "More from Les." It's  going to be about – wait for it – change! Funny – so many people resist change as hard as they possibly can – while we both look forward to it. And this could be one of the best changes yet.

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My Perfect Morning

14 Dec

I'm sitting here drinking lapsang souchong tea (the result of reading a book by Ron and Janet Benrey entitled Dead as a Scone, which is set in a tea museum in England (one of my all-time favorite cozy mysteries!).

I actually bought the tea thinking my husband would like it (he likes smoked meat and it has kind of a smoked flavour). He hates it: I love it: go figure. 

I'm listening to John Berry sing "O Holy Night" on YouTube. Currently listening for the seventh time this morning. I watched the first couple, too. :)  You can also hear it at his website. I love John Berry's voice, but I also love the way he sings. It's about the words and the song, not so much about him. 

And I'm chatting via instant messaging with a close friend. Not idle chatter – we're discussing interesting things – called ideas. I love talking with creative people who aren't afraid to dream and envision and put varied thoughts together. Very cool.

My dog is in my room on her blanket, snoring slightly. She's 16, blind, and pretty well deaf. We live in a three-story house (four if you count the basement) and she can go up the stairs but can't find them to go down, so we have to watch she doesn't accidentally fall down them – which explains the large boxes across the basement stairway and the fact I keep my office door closed).

I have become a 24/7 caregiver for a dog. Not terrific, but she follows me wherever I go, does tricks for her cookies at night, pushes her popcorn bowl around the room when it's empty (how many dogs do you know who have their own popcorn bowl?), and tosses rawhides in the air and then sniffs around until she finds them (unless they're on top of a table or the piano, in which case we have to help). So she may be elderly, but she's still doing pretty good, though we know it's kind of week to week at this point.

My oldest son just learned that the Lasik surgery he had on both eyes yesterday is successful and he can now legally drive without glasses. When you consider that he could barely walk across the room without glasses before, this is amazing!

My husband is at a fun swim meet he goes to every year, where participants swim all four strokes – freestyle, backstroke, breaststroke and butterfly – and then you add the times to get placings for each age group. He usually does well.

At 12:30. the Raptors are playing. What can I say? Since the moment Jay Triano was hired as an assistant coach, I've been waiting for him to get the opportunity to be the head coach. I'm hoping for good things. Now all we need is Steve Nash – could Steve and Jose platoon?

While Raptor watching,  I'm going to do some editing on The Misadventures and Tribulations of Princess Persnickety and Her Friend Stefan. The story I started at the request of my granddaughters has somehow morphed into a 35,000 word chapter book with 27 chapters. Both my granddaughters will get copies for Christmas. Then I'll have to decide what to do with it next. You can see the original beginning here. Ahh. My idea of a perfect morning.

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